Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
God, I missed his penis.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
