oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
