I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
