So drunk its hurt
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
