I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
