All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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