Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
