after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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