mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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