where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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