dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he high fived his dick after we had sex
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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