flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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