So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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