Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
