and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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