she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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