I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
