When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
