I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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