tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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