it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
