So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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