i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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