We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
