ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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