this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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