I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
