i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
