I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
