i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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