Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
