did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im holly from the hills drunk
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
