my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
