i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
