i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
