Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
