Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
