im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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