Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
