I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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