Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
