I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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