You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
And then he peed in my hair
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