Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
