I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
me + whiskey = a bad person
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
