I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
