I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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