I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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