John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
