What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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