i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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