that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's get the cat blown out
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
