Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
