Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish my penis had a tongue
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
