I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
