I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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