the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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