I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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